2nd Feb

I went to visit Ian’s house on the 2nd Feb 2022. I met his mom after a long-ass time. I felt glad to meet his mom, because she is so nice. I could not remember any interactions I had with his mom, I think the last time I met her was when I helped them shoot Marcus’ short film. It was a good time.

I don’t know why, but I felt really drained that day. I really should take a step back from working. It just felt like I have forgotten how to relax. Even when I did not do anything, I felt guilty, I felt like I need to do something.

Even relaxing felt tiring for me.

That morning, before I went to work, I felt so depressed.

That was when I decided to start this journal. Every day, I will want to observe which word triggers me.

On the 2nd February, it was the word “Sacrifice”.

This word felt so….relatable.

Then I remembered what my therapist said to me. The self-sacrificing trait that I have, which has made me who I am today. I want to break free of that negative thoughts. I was, and still am, constantly putting myself down. Even for my achievements, they felt so short lived. The joy I felt, when I relished in my achievements, it just felt so….undeserving.

I really want to stop this cycle. This cycle of self-hate and frantically responding to my self-criticism.

It just felt like a long journey. Right now, as I am writing this entry, I am feeling really heavy inside. My heart felt like it has been weighed down by the negative thoughts. These intrusive thoughts that acted like anchors, weighing my heart and possibly my soul down. Their weights felt like chains gripped around my heart, ever slowly tightening. I could not even breathe properly. My posture has gone from bad to worse. It felt like those metaphorical anchors are pulling my heart to the center of the earth, and my thoracic spine alongside it. I guess that’s why hunching looks bad. It makes you look depressed.

Meeting Ian on the 2nd February felt like a break. I was really glad I met up with him. Marcus came along too. I may not be able to appreciate what Marcus does, but I felt elated to meet someone I have not met for a long period of time.

Marcus brought his tarot cards too. We were asking him various questions.

Some of the few questions that I still remember are:

• Will I be a millionaire
• Will I be a billionaire
• Will I be a trillionaire
• Will I be a popular biology teacher

Look at those questions that I remember….. Why was I so focused on my career?

Money is only a means to an end. It should not define my entire life.

But I always thought, and felt, that if I have enough money, then I should not worry about anything else.

As they say, money solves money problems. Nothing else.

Could it be that, I have always thought that my problems are rooted to money, or the lack thereof?

The tarot readings were accurate though. It was scary how Marcus was able to read what I am going through, or what thoughts that I have been having.

One of it is to change career, or to leave my current workplace. He said I need to have these few things:

• Plan ahead
• Have a fat buffer of cash
• Do not spend the money I still do not have
• I am looking inward to see what I need to declutter

Honestly, those are so spot-on. Those points he brought up are the points that I am currently going through, or have been going through.

I am not sure if his predictions will come true.

However, I do not want to let it define my life. Then again, some of his readings brought up really good points.

I still cannot process whatever that is going through in my mind, but I do feel better after writing this entry. Just ten minutes before, I was having a breakdown. Just a small one, but all the doubts that I had been having were bubbling up from the cauldron that I call my soul.

Those feelings have been simmering for a while now. I wish to just turn off the heat, or at least let those feelings escape.